Retirement Gifts That Actually Slap
They survived. They're free. They deserve better than a generic card.
Why This Matters
After decades of mandatory fun, terrible coffee, and pretending to care about synergy, your coworker has finally earned their escape. This isn't just a career milestone—it's a prison break. They've sat through thousands of meetings that could've been emails, smiled through countless reorganizations, and mastered the art of looking busy. A retirement gift should acknowledge the beautiful chaos they're leaving behind while celebrating the fact that they never have to set an alarm again.
Gift Ideas
- +A coffee mug that says 'I'm retired, your meeting is not my problem'
- +A countdown calendar they can dramatically throw away
- +A fake parking pass for 'Anywhere But Here'
- +A survival kit for their first Monday of freedom
- +A certificate of completion for Corporate America
Perfect For
- The coworker who's been counting down for years
- The boss who actually wasn't terrible
- The office legend everyone will miss
- The person who's seen some things
Get First Access
Get early access to our most savage retirement gifts before they clock out for good.
Frequently Asked Questions
- How much should I spend on a retirement gift?
- Depends on how much you liked them. Quick coffee chat coworker? $20-30. Actual work friend who kept you sane? $50+. Person whose retirement is the only reason you haven't quit? Priceless (but maybe $75).
- Is it weird to get a funny gift for someone's retirement?
- Only if they have no sense of humor. If they survived corporate life this long, they definitely have one. Skip the generic 'World's Best Retiree' mug and get something that actually makes them laugh.
- What if I barely know the person retiring?
- Chip in for the group gift, sign the card with something generic like 'Congrats on your freedom!', and move on. Not every retirement requires a heartfelt moment.
- Should retirement gifts be practical or funny?
- Funny. They're about to have all the time in the world to buy practical stuff. What they need is something that makes them snort-laugh while packing up their desk.